I can text with my tongue
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
