It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
