You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
