i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize