I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
