you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
