there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
