I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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