His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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