I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hippo gnu deer
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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