I want to have your abortion
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
