Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
