my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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