I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize