i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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