My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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