Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
