She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
