i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
