She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
