My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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