I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk is not a location!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
