I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize