Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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