Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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