I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
