We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
