Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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