STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
