ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
