im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
