New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
