That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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