Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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