Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
