he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
