My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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