He uses pillows to masturbate.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
