please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
