I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize