He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
