I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize