do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
