I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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