Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
