i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
