I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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