She went from zero to smokin in five shots
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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