They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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