Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
