Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
