i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Two words: nipple clamps
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