someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
