I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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