I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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