you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's always time for handjobs
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
last night I used snow as a chaser
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