The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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