hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
