the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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