My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
