I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
