sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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