Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My first STD was from a foam party
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
