Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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