I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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